britney spears "not a girl, not yet a woman" is, for some reason, playing in my head...
this pinterest gem and some other random comments really pushed me to think long and hard this week about who i once was and who i not yet am.
and i feel optimistic. mostly. cynically optimistic, but optimistic nonetheless.
though i miss the simple days of college (boy, they seemed anything but simple then), i don't long to return to them.
though i miss that thrill of my first big solo move to a different part of the country, what i really miss is how simply i was able to live. i lived on N-O-T-H-I-N-G. and i miss that, but again, i wouldn't move back to being so far from family and friends that are mostly just a car ride away.
but where i get stuck, maybe where we all get stuck (?) is the "not yet what i'm going to be" part that sometimes causes me to toe the line of mental paralysis at this stage of my life.
if you would have told the 17 year old, the 21 year old, even the 28 year old me that the 33 year old me would still be single without children....i would have laughed in your face and told you that 33 was ancient.
it's not.
despite the fact that i'm almost positive that a 20-something kid noted something about the "wrinkles on my face" this week. JERK.
i was also told that i "have redefined what it means to be 33" by a 25 year old woman this week.
i think that was a good thing? i'll consider it as such.
the truth is, i don't know anymore what 33 is "supposed to look like". not for me, anyway. but what i do know is that i'm constantly battling to shut that 17 year old up in my head. the 17 year old Malissa thought that she'd be married by 23 - or else. or else what? i'm not sure. and i'm not positive that i'd want her to know that even 10 years beyond that number, she'd STILL be single and without a family.
i'm proud of how far i've come. but i'd be lying to say that i don't long for what comes next. i do every day. sometimes 10 times a day. and i absolutely know that almost EVERY human must feel this way about something. a different house, a job switch, a big move, a bigger raise, enough money to put their kids through college, another baby, retirement, grandchildren - and the list goes on.
not being - or rather, having - what i thought i would have by this age has taught me so much about giving people the benefit of the doubt. they're doing the best they can to accept the past, live with the now, while longing for certain things that they genuinely want in life. it's taught me so much about the shared human experience of growing up and reconciling what we thought we "would be" with "what is".
it ain't easy all the time.
but we're all trying.
and i respect that.
and i feel optimistic. mostly. cynically optimistic, but optimistic nonetheless.
though i miss the simple days of college (boy, they seemed anything but simple then), i don't long to return to them.
though i miss that thrill of my first big solo move to a different part of the country, what i really miss is how simply i was able to live. i lived on N-O-T-H-I-N-G. and i miss that, but again, i wouldn't move back to being so far from family and friends that are mostly just a car ride away.
but where i get stuck, maybe where we all get stuck (?) is the "not yet what i'm going to be" part that sometimes causes me to toe the line of mental paralysis at this stage of my life.
if you would have told the 17 year old, the 21 year old, even the 28 year old me that the 33 year old me would still be single without children....i would have laughed in your face and told you that 33 was ancient.
it's not.
despite the fact that i'm almost positive that a 20-something kid noted something about the "wrinkles on my face" this week. JERK.
i was also told that i "have redefined what it means to be 33" by a 25 year old woman this week.
i think that was a good thing? i'll consider it as such.
the truth is, i don't know anymore what 33 is "supposed to look like". not for me, anyway. but what i do know is that i'm constantly battling to shut that 17 year old up in my head. the 17 year old Malissa thought that she'd be married by 23 - or else. or else what? i'm not sure. and i'm not positive that i'd want her to know that even 10 years beyond that number, she'd STILL be single and without a family.
i'm proud of how far i've come. but i'd be lying to say that i don't long for what comes next. i do every day. sometimes 10 times a day. and i absolutely know that almost EVERY human must feel this way about something. a different house, a job switch, a big move, a bigger raise, enough money to put their kids through college, another baby, retirement, grandchildren - and the list goes on.
not being - or rather, having - what i thought i would have by this age has taught me so much about giving people the benefit of the doubt. they're doing the best they can to accept the past, live with the now, while longing for certain things that they genuinely want in life. it's taught me so much about the shared human experience of growing up and reconciling what we thought we "would be" with "what is".
it ain't easy all the time.
but we're all trying.
and i respect that.
3 comments:
"and i absolutely know that almost EVERY human must feel this way about something"
This is why I love you. . .you just get it.
This is beautifully written, my Friend. Simply, beautiful.
I love this post so much.
It is SO true. We do look back and think about where we THOUGHT we would be 5, 10, 15 years ago and sometimes laugh at what we thought we wanted or where we thought we would be. It is crazy.
And you are also right in that the scary thing is not knowing where we WILL be in 5, 10, 15 years.
After the past VERY CRAZY and unpredictable 5 years I am trying to just live in the moment and let life happen. Easier said than done. But I always thought I would be in a different place in my life: financially, a different home, different job, etc…but I would not change ANY of it because for some reason I feel it was suppose to happen like this, in this way.
“…..growing up and reconciling what we thought we "would be" with "what is".” EXACTLY.
My husband and I had a conversation similar to this recently because he is in a weird place right now. He will be 39 this year at which time he will have a 1 year old and will be attempting to finish his associates degree. He currently stays home with our son and it is a really hard/weird transition for him. He never thought this would be his life and wonders if he is too old to do all this to which I tell him that who decides that you are too old for this life. Just because it is later than you thought or not the “norm” (whatever the hell that is) doesn’t mean a thing.
The fact that you have accomplished so much already with your job/education is amazing. (As someone who always thought that would be her life, I really admire that.) That family you long for will come when you least expect it and when it does come it will be at the absolute perfect time for YOU, no matter when it is.
Seriously, what a great post that speaks to all of us.
thanks, sumo for the support.
thanks, WK for sharing about life and encouraging me along - it means a lot, really. i thought of your words as i was driving yesterday.
we can all trust that somehow, we're where we need to be even when we never would have imagined it quite this way. i always say if people would say "this is what life will be like in 6 months, 10 years, 39 years - you wouldn't believe them anyway".
i try to embrace this as a magical element that life has to offer as much as i possibly can.
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